Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most

Well that's it, I feel I've crossed the threshold into actual madness. The idea of winning money at poker for a sustainable period of time just seems a foreign concept right now. I'm aware that I don't do myself any favours by choosing games that are so high variance (traditionally turbo MTTs and now 6max and heads up PLO), but eventually the mental strain of the long losing streaks just tear your mind apart. Since the middle of October i'm winning something of the tune of $1600 (and that's including an $800 supernova milestone bonus). Considering the amount of time and effort I've put in during this period, it equates somewhere close to flipping burgers. Worst of all, I've begun severely doubting myself in terms of both raw talent and my ability to concentrate and play my A game for long periods of time. It seems that those are attributes aren't just something a player can work on, but is something someone is stuck with. I'm going to have a real think about how able I am to actually win enough at poker to sustain myself in the manner i've grown accustomed to.

As well as doubting myself, it's just about put out the faint flicker of enjoyment I once had for poker. I suppose the thing that most people don't understand about me is that doing anything that I can't defend as 100% perfect is nothing but a failure in my eyes and I end up beating myself up over plays that will still arguably make me money if in hindsight I can anticipate better lines. The only thing that still drives me to play poker is firstly my desire to be the absolute best version of me, and secondly my huge ego which won't allow me to stop playing before I'm rich enough and have accomplished enough to consider all this time a success.

Hopefully the second paragraph makes how tough this last month has been easier to understand; it's like every time I load up pokerstars I'm losing be it making the right play and getting unlucky or making bad choices and still losing.

It seems that right now there isn't much I can do but bite the bullet and keep grinding hard. I'm probably going to play the monthly £300 at the international on Saturday, then I'm going to have to put in a ton of volume in December and try and stop the rut.

Sorry for all the non poker players that read this, I love you all very much but this has been the major highlight of the last month (the only highlight in reality). Next time I blog i'll have something non-pokery to say.

Loves and hugs xx

I may be the worst blogger on earth

Apologies to all of you guys who humour me by reading my blog. I have been absolutely terrible at updating despite some of you riding me about it (Ken and Lizzie, that counts as a shout out).

In short I suppose I've just been having a lot of fun relaxing and going out mixed with an insane amount of volume in the last few weeks (I finally got supernova on friday for my efforts). My last 3 consecutive Fridays have been house parties (with another this Friday), after the best part of a year feeling slightly old and out of place it feels good to hang with old friends in London (as well as the awesome ones who traveled from afar for Sarah's 21st).

In my poker life everything is going pretty well since the end of the EPT, just been grinding away at small stakes and im up like 2k in the last week or so. It's long work for not a huge reward, but it feels pretty good to be working hard and getting something out of it.

Sorry for the short update, but I will be a better blogger!
loves and hugs to you all xx