Well that's it, I feel I've crossed the threshold into actual madness. The idea of winning money at poker for a sustainable period of time just seems a foreign concept right now. I'm aware that I don't do myself any favours by choosing games that are so high variance (traditionally turbo MTTs and now 6max and heads up PLO), but eventually the mental strain of the long losing streaks just tear your mind apart. Since the middle of October i'm winning something of the tune of $1600 (and that's including an $800 supernova milestone bonus). Considering the amount of time and effort I've put in during this period, it equates somewhere close to flipping burgers. Worst of all, I've begun severely doubting myself in terms of both raw talent and my ability to concentrate and play my A game for long periods of time. It seems that those are attributes aren't just something a player can work on, but is something someone is stuck with. I'm going to have a real think about how able I am to actually win enough at poker to sustain myself in the manner i've grown accustomed to.
As well as doubting myself, it's just about put out the faint flicker of enjoyment I once had for poker. I suppose the thing that most people don't understand about me is that doing anything that I can't defend as 100% perfect is nothing but a failure in my eyes and I end up beating myself up over plays that will still arguably make me money if in hindsight I can anticipate better lines. The only thing that still drives me to play poker is firstly my desire to be the absolute best version of me, and secondly my huge ego which won't allow me to stop playing before I'm rich enough and have accomplished enough to consider all this time a success.
Hopefully the second paragraph makes how tough this last month has been easier to understand; it's like every time I load up pokerstars I'm losing be it making the right play and getting unlucky or making bad choices and still losing.
It seems that right now there isn't much I can do but bite the bullet and keep grinding hard. I'm probably going to play the monthly £300 at the international on Saturday, then I'm going to have to put in a ton of volume in December and try and stop the rut.
Sorry for all the non poker players that read this, I love you all very much but this has been the major highlight of the last month (the only highlight in reality). Next time I blog i'll have something non-pokery to say.
Loves and hugs xx
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3 comments:
boy oh boy I've never been there before.[/sarcasm] nah I feel for ya man. think if u wanna make it in poker u just gotta tough it out and toughen up mentally and emotionally. you already know that though, you're just very frustrated. maybe a break is in order ? good look man.
I totally know the feeling. If you want to bounce ideas on MTT strat just give me a nudge on msn - nick_pateman@hotmail.com.
forget poker, come study art history in brighton. far more enjoyable way to spend thousands and get no security in life in return.
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